Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A Little History Prior To My Departure.

I'm free. I'm free. I'm free.

I am so happy to be free of those burdensome emotions. I was worried that after seeing him this weekend it would tear open old wounds and I wouldn't be able to go to Australia fully content; I would have lingering "what if" feelings. In some ways, I suppose those old wounds were torn open, but from a different (and painful) perspective.

I found out the sorry lad was cheating on me the whole time I was with him. Ouch? (I suppose that you could have deduced this from the prior post). The good news is: I'm not with him. Nor will I ever be again (Thank God). I've learned that when someone cheats on you, they don't get second chances, because if you weren't good enough for them in the first place, then they shouldn't have a chance to break your heart all over again.

Now the part that is hard for me to wrap my mind and heart around is that God still loves him. I'm glad he does because I feel quite the opposite. I've been fighting myself back and fourth for the past few days. How do I show him that I am mad without stepping out of line? Do I let him know at all?

Well, I certainly made it clear this past weekend, and I can't lie and say that I don't feel at all bad about the situation. I can't say that I haven't at all searched for vindication in retaliation of the hurtful information that I gained this week. Honestly, I thought what I had with "you-know-who" was real when it was happening, to find out that it was all just a well played game (where I was just a pawn) doesn't sit so well.

I guess he thinks I'm the worst person to walk the planet. Well, I'm certainly not the best but tomorrow is a new day and we can all make new decisions. I am going to choose to just walk away from the situation. I'm just going to let it go and give myself time away from him (so that I don't get carried away and do something I'll regret).

I hope that I can calm myself down one of these days and be able to forgive him completely for everything he made me feel. I know that's what God would want me to do. I've told him I forgive him for things that I don't even know if he's sorry for, but I've found myself wrestling with the truth of that statement. That's why I think this semester away will be good. It will give me time to forget about all of it.

I can be distracted and just let it all go; flush it down the toilet never to surface again (like a dead goldfish).

I know this is supposed to be a travel blog now, but I believe that this is something that you all need to know about me before I head of in a little under a week. You have to know a little about who I am, to understand how I will perceive the world around me and my future travels and discoveries. Perhaps you didn't want to know all of the stupid info I just spilled, but you're reading my blog so, I assume you do.

This semester is a documentation of my growth in exploring new countries, exploring my inner self, and discovering how to let go of my selfishness and open my heart to the plan God has for me.

On my ride home from school today, I saw a rainbow in the sky. I know what it meant for Noah, and I think it means something similar for me. God knows what we've all gone through. He won't put us through anything we can't handle.

Peace and Love

1 comment:

  1. Angela,
    Bless your heart! You are an amazing woman and I hope to be more like you...you have an amazing spirit and understanding of God's will for you and are taking all the opportunities He sets before you. I'm praying for you this coming semester and I trust you'll have a fabulous time in Austrailia. Have a blessed trip and keep your head up. You deserve so much more and some day God will lead you to it :)
    Peace and love,