Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Really Unorganized Collection of Thoughts and Emotions

Sometimes, it seems like things get good for a little while and I spend the bulk of my time discouraged and frustrated with everything.

For those of you that know me, you know I've been pretty self conscious for a very long time. In high school, I became discouraged with myself for not being "good enough" for several gentlemen and let out my emotion by eating. I couldn't control what they thought of me so eating became my way of controlling my life. I stopped stepping onto a scale and I refused to think about how all of the snacking and bingeing was affecting my body. I knew that I was gaining weight... I knew in my heart that I was letting myself down. I knew I wasn't living up to my potential, but I continually ignored it thinking that the right guy would come along and he would love me for who I was on the inside... not for how I looked on the outside.

My second semester of junior year rolled along and things got a little worse. I remember distinctly thinking: "Okay, it's a new semester, who can I have a crush on now?" I searched the cafeteria for a handsome face that I could set my hopes on. "He's got cool red hair... but he has too many zits. He looks dreamy... but he's a little out of my league." Then as lunch had ended and everyone reluctantly headed back to their fourth period classes.... I saw him. "He seems nice. He seems like he's not too out of my league. he seems like maybe he could like me."

I dove in head first. I learned things about him, became friends with him, gave him a special separate ringtone (even though he never called), figured out his class schedule, went to one of his concerts, tried to like his favorite music, ran into him... ALL THE TIME. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to see through what I'd turned myself into and find the beautiful woman inside. But, I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I couldn't love myself... so I wanted someone else to do it for me.

Weeks rolled by and finally I got up the nerve to ask him to prom. He said he'd have to think about it and he would let me know tomorrow. That night I fought to clear my head enough to go to sleep. "does he like me? will he say yes? what if he says no? But if he says yes, it will be perfect, He has to love me!"

The next day my friend Jennifer asked if I'd spoken with him yet, and in a scheming friendly sort of way she advised me to speak with him. I didn't have to wait long, after lunch the boy approached me, "So, about your proposition... I'm going to have to decline, but how about I take YOU to prom and we can go in my cadillac, we'd still have to split the costs, cause I'm broke, but what to you think."

I was about to pee my pants with excitement. "Yes! sure. That sounds great."

Prom rolled around we danced. I felt like a princess. The theme was "I could not ask for more" (the Edwin McCain song). At one point in the night the whole group sat down gathering our breath and chatting... then the theme song of the night came on... Lauren Pedigo bolted out of her chair and urged everyone else to get up and dance. My date stood up and we both took to the floor. Slow dancing with him was scary and exciting. I was filled with pure bliss when he put his cheek against mine. "he has to love me," I thought. "Finally someone has seen through."

After prom, we went to our houses to change clothes. When we made it to his... both of his parents were up and as he went to his room to get dressed they spoke with me some. "Did you guys have a good time?" his mother asked. I said, "Well, I know I had a great time, but I'm not sure about him."

"Oh, I know he had a good time," She said with a smile.

we went to the after prom event and the next day, we joined a large group and went to Kings Island in Ohio... I could go on and on about this series of events all day, but the truth is, after the magical weekend was over,

Nothing happened. Two weeks past by and I hadn't heard from him. every second without him seemed like an hour, and every hour seemed like fifty years. Finally, fed up with waiting and hoping, and stalking... I approached him right before his German class.

"Hey, I just wanted to say I had so much fun at prom... and... I really LIKE you." He shrugged it off and walked into the class room. Confused, after school I sent him a text trying to tell him that I wanted to be with him... no reply. Later that night I got a phone call from him... He only wanted to be friends. He didn't think that it would work any other way.

I cried a lot.

Turns out he liked, Lauren Pedigo the whole time. They started dating that summer... and senior year they were voted "Cutest Couple."

It took me a long time, but I realized that my actions were definitely misguided. I wanted him to make myself feel better. I didn't want him for who he was. It was a complete double standard. And in the process of selfishly wanting to be loved, I gave him a big chunk of my heart. I didn't even really know him!

This increased my self doubts. I thought that if I couldn't get someone to love me... then I wasn't worth loving.

ON another instance...(The same semester)

I was sitting at lunch with Jennifer. We were laughing and talking about how black people would look if they were white and how white people would look if they randomly turned black. "Pat... him... yeah he could totally pull it off, it wouldn't look weird."

As lunch ended, I spotted one of my "Semi-friends" Austin. "You could never be black," I said with a laugh, to prove I was joking around with him.

He responded by saying: Yeah, well you'll never be skinny.

I responded with complete silence... and shock. Extremely depressed, I faked sick and went home where I Watched Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" and ate some of my mom's chocolate covered cereal snacks... only after lathering peanut butter on top.

It was a sad day. Why did every man see me as unworthy? Why couldn't they just accept me for who I was.

Why am I posting this now? Because I want to document my growth in how I handle what I think about myself, and what I have received from God.

Last Night: Nicole Thoman and I had just finished working out and were walking back to the dorm when a black truck slowly drove past us. A voice shouted out the window at me, "YOU'RE FAT!"

I couldn't hold it in and cried. I have lost a bunch of weight this year. I know I am not "fat"... at least I didn't think I was. I felt good about myself. I know that I am beautiful in God's eyes... why can't anyone else see that?

Nicole and I walked back to the dorm... me in silence, her going on about how unfair and rude guys are.

It made me come to a very cynical conclusion about men. They want barbie dolls that wait on them hand and foot. I've prayed about it since then. I've tried forgiving those that drove by and I've earnestly tried to be patient for the right guy to come around and prove that statement wrong.

But, it still isn't easy. It isn't easy trying to block out what the world's standards for beauty are. I will never be Kate Moss... I don't want to be. But the world seems to think that I should be. It is hard trying to remember, that God is the only one who will ever love me the way I need to be loved. I need to love him and love who he has made me.... not relying on what other people think. Not relying on my Junior prom, Austin, or those mysterious hateful drive-by people. They don't matter. What matters is "living a life worthy of the calling I've received"

God wants me to find love. But, I think he wants be to wait and love myself a little bit first. I am not going to be discouraged by what people say, and I am not going to give my heart to someone I know nothing about. I am going to wait for God's planning and timing.

"If you're looking for someone who will make you feel better about yourself, you will always be disappointed" America Ferrera.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Life Update

My fingertips are sticky with Elmer's spray glue. This is a good thing... it means my matting is done (for now). My dreadful weekend has finally come to a close.

Dreadful (you might ask)? Yes, one of my most physically and mentally draining weekends to date. Why (you might also ask? Its a culmination of things really. The worst of which include but aren't limited to:
1. having my one functioning windshield wiper stop working in the middle of the highway.
2. Pulling over to the side of the road with my "hazard" lights on and watching as NO ONE came to help.
3. losing my school I.D. and being really embarrassed when the Java City lady says that I have the "Old Issue" one.
4. skipping chapel again... and feeling really guilty about it.
5. only having ten minutes to get ready for class.
6. having my butt slapped, by a boy. (wait... is this a bad thing?)
7. over-eating
8. having to give up hours of work.
9. no coffee ALL-DAY
10. missing home... and my family so much..

.. oh and I got "de-friended" by a friend of mine on facebook.

However, it feels like things are finally starting to relax. I'm realizing Gods presence in my everyday life little by little each day. In just the simple things. Like, how I failed to study for Ms. Schoen's test and still managed to feel like "There's no WAY I'm not getting an A on this."

Everyone has been über supportive. Gil Gildner helped me with matting. Shelby Chambliss let me cry in her room, and Nicole Thoman has just been around for me. Its those little things that they do that really have helped me. I am able to see God working through them and other people to cheer me up.

I knew from the "get go" that things would be hard this semester. I'm taking 18 hours, I'm an R.A, I'm a spring sing director... the list goes on and on, but it certainly rocks to have friends that will go out of their way to help me. Especially when I'm being a complete jerk.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

"Island of Reality in an Ocean of Diarrhea"

This weekend has been intense, in all the wrong ways. I've been trying to front happier demeanor that what is really going on inside, but I think my heart imploded (Time of Death) sometime between 10:30pm and 11:00pm tonight.

I can honestly say, I have no idea what is going on in my mind. I think its been this gradual culmination of several things. One second: I'm fine, happy Angela. Sure... a but stressed and trying to manage 18 hours worth of homework, but I'm treading alright.... Next Second: Frantic delirious Angela drowning under the work load and longing to be at home with her family.

I've cried a lot this weekend. Why? Am I just sad? I know I miss home and my family a lot, but I don't think that's all of it. It's a little much if I cry all through Disney Pixar's "Up." I mean... come on.

What's getting me through these tides of emotional uproar?
1. "Details in the Fabric" Jason Mraz
2. Shelby Chambliss
3. "You Will Make It" Jem
4. Daily phone calls to my mom.
5. Sleep
6. Knowing spring break is drawing nearer.
7. Knowing that I am going to see my crush tomorrow. (wow, how middle school does that sound?)
8. Eggs from the caf.
9. my stash of dark chocolate
10. Dancing during the breaks at spring sing practice.

But here's the most important thing: my life vest. As cliché as it sounds.... God. I've got to believe he's sitting here on my bed next to me. He's got his arm around my shoulder and reassures me that it is going to be okay. He wants to rescue me from this emotional turmoil. I want to hold on to him. I need to always remember his presence dans ma vie. What would I be without him. I would be so alone... like this... all the time.

I can't understand how anyone lives a life rejecting his presence. I feel so sad for them. They don't know what they're missing out on. I mean think about it... How is it possible at all that we... on this earth, in this solar system, in this galaxy, in this infinite space... are here by chance? It was an accident? No. There is no such thing as an accident.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Lozenge Moment

It is 1:14 am... central time. Why am I awake? Because I am waiting for this "Hall's Lozenge" to dissolve in my mouth. I screamed my guts out at the Chi Omega Pi basket ball game tonight. we didn't win, but showed great spirit.

The "C" team needed an extra sub, so I volunteered and played in my blue jeans, addidas high-tops, and regular (not made for strenuous activity) bra. I felt like such a thug out there with everyone else in their nikes and sports bras. It was a blast.

woah. just realized... the lozenge is gone.

peace and love.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dream Rejection

I had a really terrible dream last night. It involved the guy I'm interested in basically telling me that he wasn't interested in me. That kind of dream has happened to me before. It's always a bummer. I don't know if its some kind of sign from God telling me that the guy isn't the guy for me, or if I'm just being insecure about myself.

"To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others. If you are being rejected by a lover, then it suggests that you are you are rejecting some part of your own characteristic."

Not really sure what that means, but the dream has been bugging me all day. What else bugs me you ask? The fact that my scale is ADD. Really. I think its getting to old to function properly. It doesn't make sense for my weight to fluctuate as much as it has in the last week. Also, I've been waiting for my mother's baked goods to arrive on campus and the US postal service has really taken it's time on delivering.

unless it's UPS... in which case it can take as much time as it wants. I love UPS.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


I feel popular all of the sudden. It's kind of weird. Boys flirt with me... all the time. Coming from a "used to be" fat girl, this is a huge deal. As a matter of fact, I don't really know how to deal with it. How do I respond to all of these guys?

There's really only one guy I am interested in right now anyway. Do I flirt with everyone anyway? I am re-thinking my whole mind set. I feel like such a hottie. ha ha.

Other News

Spring Sing planning is going quite well. The Girls are learning the dance and lyrics. I got the chance to meet and dance with some really sweet BOX guys for our spring sing show. After meeting these guys I've become very excited for not only our spring sing show, but also Australia... we're all going to be there together. ROCK ON.

Today is the Super Bowl. Go Colts. Plain and simple, I'm not going to bash either team, I just want to support my own.

God Bless everyone.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Meaning of Life Starts With a Night Light

As the most dreaded day of the year approaches all singles, I want to take this opportunity to make a statement. (What's new for me really?)

Love is retarded. Okay, how about an intelligent way of phrasing that: the enigma of "love" that everyone obsesses over is a fleeting and frivolous notion created by years of lies and backed by unreliable FICTION. That "Love" everyone is looking for and desperate to find... doesn't exist.

You want to know what love is? It isn't butterflies when you see "that" person. It isn't your heart pounding when you hold hands for the first time. No, love is much more substantial than most movies depict. It is dependability. It is trust and security. But that kind of love doesn't sell does it?

Don't waste time longing for something that isn't worth longing for. I used to spend all of my time wishing that I had some kind of great "romance." It was only a recent discovery that showed me the difference between it and the real deal. Any douche bag can kiss you and tell you he loves you, but It takes a lot more than that for someone to mean it... and show it. Its about the actions you make.

Stop pretending, stop wanting the theatricals. they will let you down. Look for someone who will be there for you and the "romance will come with it." Better yet, don't look for it at all, because looking for it only sabotages everything. trust me I know.

Gosh, I wish I could make out with someone right now.